She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
being pregnant is like rehab
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
