god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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