I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
