Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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