I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
