I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
