Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
soo... how was my night?
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