just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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