The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
