The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
