The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
