At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
