my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
