i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
