It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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