my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
