We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
