Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
