you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
