Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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