I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
