My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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