Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
