paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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