Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
