The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
