paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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