i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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