Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't deserve a penis
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
