Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
