Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
