I'm pants shitting drunk right now
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
