Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
