So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
