cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just want nice things and good sex
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
