A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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