her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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