I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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