And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
