My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
