Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
