I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
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