i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
