just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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