I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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