you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You are a genius and a whore.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
