she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
