Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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