I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
