I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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